Ok, usually I’m this upbeat, funny, smartass, crazy mommy but there is something about MamaKat’s Writer’s Workshop that brings a darkness out. Dead mothers, my lack of a job, now body image issues. Eeesh!
You know, she’s my therapist. Every week we have this wonderful session where she gets me to reveal these deep, dark feelings. We talk, we share, we cry, we bond. I know, you’re all jealous but what can I say. Hmmmm…I should really ask her about payment. I wonder if she’ll take wine? Is she a Chardonnay girl or more Cabernet?
5.) Write about someone who is an underdog.
It’s me.
Can you hear me in here? You might have to be really quiet. And if you look real close, you can just barely make me out. You might have to turn your head and it helps if you squint.
I am the skinny girl who is trapped in this fat girl’s body. Someone please help get me outta here! I’m trapped! I know part of this is my fault. It all started in college. I looked the other way when we started drinking too much beer because, ok let’s face it, beer is delicious!!! Oh, and the pizza that went with it, yummy. And I was usually too hung-over to put up much of a fight the next day when those pancakes with sausage and bacon and eggs and toast were being shoved down my throat. But now, it’s just gotten way out of hand. “We are not in college anymore, sweetheart!”
She has slowly taken control of this body and Sweet Jesus she is the biggest bully on the planet. I yell at her and try to fight back but she’s bigger than I am and quite frankly, I’m scared she’s gonna sit on me.
I want to eat grilled chicken over greens and raspberries tossed with light vinaigrette and a Diet Coke, she wants the boneless buffalo chicken wings and deep fried onion rings dipped in ranch dressing with a Mountain Dew. I whisper “You don’t really want to put all that greasy fatty crap inside us, do you?” Does she listen? No.
I want her to get her ass off the couch and go outside to play with the girls, take in the sunshine, enjoy the spring weather. No, she wants to sit on her butt and watch The Office. “Hello? You’ve seen this episode three times, and you have this season on DVD.” And there she sits.
I know she can hear me when I scream at her in the mirror. I know she can see me or at least remembers me. When I was in control of this body, things looked vastly different. “Curves are beautiful, rolls, not so much. Don’t you ignore me!”
I want to take up rock climbing again, but I doubt her ginormous butt would fit into the harness any more and Lord only knows what a fall would do to us. I’d kill to take up kayaking but more than likely she’d sink the boat and then we’d both drown. I’d love to skydive but, honestly, would a parachute hold up? I’d rather not take my chances. Even running could be life threatening with those mega huge boobs bruising her double chin or worse knocking us unconscious in the middle of the road. “Think of all the awesome new experiences we could have if you would just start listening to me.”
Oh and clothes… I know she remembers what it was like to not have to shop exclusively at Lane Bryant. Don’t get me wrong, those clothes are mega cute but some of them make us look like a brightly colored circus tent. I see her eyes dart towards those short shorts and cute tanks. “Don’t even think about that, no one wants to see that!”
But I think my best chances of breaking free…Our children. I know she doesn’t want our daughters to live her life. I can hear her guilty thoughts about what she is teaching them. I know she’d rather set a good example. I know she’d rather that I teach them, but they don’t know me, they can’t see me. She looks at them and her feelings of shame, worthlessness, and hurt creep into mine. She hears me then. “Is this really how you want to live your life?”
And, you know, I think I might be getting somewhere. Last night at dinner I convinced her to not scarf down a third slice of pizza and to make me a salad. And this morning I saw the way she was eyeing up that stationary bike collecting dust in the basement. Hmmm… I might not be such an underdog after all.
18. March 2010 at 12:22 pm
I can’t tell you how much I can relate to this post. I really need to start listening to my inner skinny girl too.
18. March 2010 at 12:31 pm
I feel that same way right now and it was college that totally ruined my body! I am hoping that this new vegetarian diet I am trying will bring my inner skinny girl back out!
18. March 2010 at 12:50 pm
I am totally rooting for your skinny girl underdog. I will fight the other girl with a flaming celery stick on your behalf!
18. March 2010 at 1:31 pm
Oh best of luck to you. I have been fat every.day.of.my.life. and I hate it. I try and try and fail and fail. And hate myself for it. I often think if I could just change that then my life would be completely perfect…. I hope it goes great for you! Good luck!
18. March 2010 at 2:01 pm
Boy – you hit the nail on the head this morning. I think my skinny girl moved out. Maybe some sunshine will motivate me – I sure hope so.
18. March 2010 at 2:34 pm
I love this post! It sounds like the skinny you will make her way out and not be the underdog anymore.
I wonder if mamakat realizes what a great therapist she is.
Good luck on the stationary bike- i just buy gym passes and then don’t use them
18. March 2010 at 4:56 pm
I want to be skinny and healthy again so badly…. I was a fat kid, and then got skinny, and now I am fat again, and I hate myself for it. I have lost 10 lbs in 2 months… but I guess it is a start. Good luck!
18. March 2010 at 5:29 pm
I think my underdog skinny girl is trapped too! And I am with you I have to teach my daughters better they have to know better and feel better about their own bodies. {Thank god I married a skinny guy!} So their struggles hopefully won’t be nearly as hard as mine.
18. March 2010 at 6:24 pm
Ugh, it’s hard soemtimes. I definitely strive to live healthfully for my daughter. I have a major sweet tooth! Yikes!
You can do it! Good luck! I’ll be rooting for you!
18. March 2010 at 8:55 pm
Trying to tell “her” to make changes is always hard! I’m sending all of my wishes for success your way! You can do it–Rah, Rah, Ree!
18. March 2010 at 9:07 pm
Good luck with that. My inner thin girl is hoping to get tips from you!
19. March 2010 at 5:40 am
Great post! So true. I agree, let us know when YOU figure it out.
stopped by from mama kat’s
19. March 2010 at 5:48 am
Hey Honey,
I have an inner skinny screaming at me too. I can usually drown her in copious amounts of mint-choc ice-cream though…
When you get a chance, head on over to my blog, I have a special Award for you!
http://tinyurl.com/BeautifulBloggerAward
19. March 2010 at 6:05 am
Oh I know this all too well. I’ve lost 13 lbs and can’t seem to get that pushy fat girl to let it go so the skinny girl can come out…one of these days!!!
19. March 2010 at 12:01 pm
Few things… I’m pretty sure Mama Kat will take wine!! Gosh, this is such a raw, and well-written, post! I mean “raw” in the best way possible… you really dove into your core and I’m certain it was therapeutic. I think EVERY woman can relate to this. Everything is so relative… even thin girls feel this beast in them, I’m sure.
Love your blog… and your URL could NOT MIRROR MY LIFE more clearly. I drink b/c my kids cry. NO. DOUBT. ABOUT. IT!
Hugs, Kat
19. March 2010 at 12:59 pm
This post really got to me. Not because I relate – because of the way it’s written. I felt myself cheering for your inner skinny!
The best of luck to you. I’m so glad you chose to write this.
19. March 2010 at 2:46 pm
This is so well said. Keep fighting, you’ll find her in there!
19. March 2010 at 3:02 pm
We’re rooting for the skinny underdog! Go Skinny, You rock, Skinny, Go Skinny…
great post.
19. March 2010 at 3:34 pm
I can’t tell you how much I loved this post. It’s amazing the hold that food can take on ones life. AND does. Not only can I relate to what you’ve written, I went away with my husband for a week for our anniversary. I noticed that everything we did revolved around food for me. Sad. Sad. Sad.
Listen to that healthy girl in there. She’s smart.
19. March 2010 at 4:44 pm
WOW! I really identified with your post in so many ways. But the two things that stood out the most were how much this writing workshop has forced you to look at some of your “stuff” and what a disconnect there is between the wanting and the doing. There is an idea that we can’t think our way into right action but act our way into right thinking. So I am going to try that method with food and activity. Because I have two year old twin boys that I want to keep up with and that I don’t want to be ashamed because their mama is fat.
20. March 2010 at 2:49 am
You are so right. I have been overweight (okay, technically obese) since puberty. I don’t want to teach these bad habits to my young daughter. Thanks for helping to change my outlook on the way things must be. Like the previous poster, I’m going to start acting rather than just thinking. It is time to break free.
23. March 2010 at 3:43 pm
You really can break free of the “fat girl” bully. As Lara mentions, focus on what is good and what is positive. There are some great moves you can do even while watching The Office for the 15th time on DVD. Jumping Jacks, Push-ups, Sit-ups. Believe me, I’ve been there. Start slow, make reasonable goals. You can do it!